Erika and Charlie Kirk Fairy Tale: "Have More Children Than You Can Afford" and "Leave the Finances to Your Husband"
When I was in the eighth grade my social studies teacher told me I was going to fail because I didn't have a notebook. He was unprepared for my response.
I couldn't breathe. Everything around me disappeared. He disappeared. I was gasping and sobbing as silently as possibly. Tears kept rolling down my cheeks.
When the class ended he asked me to stay back.
"Why are you so upset?" he asked
I poured out my worldview.
"If I fail, then I won't go to college. If I don't go to college I won't get a good job."
I didn't add, I will be poor. That was it. That was the fear that loomed over me.
He was stunned. He sent me off to my next class. I'm pretty sure he had a serious conversation with my guidance counselor after that. It was true that I didn't have a notebook. It was also true, however, that I aced social studies. So it was legitimate when he gave me a grade of 99 on my report card for the rest of the year.
What the teacher didn't know was that I understood a lot about being poor, because I was poor. You see, my mother had followed Charlie and Erika Kirk's philosophy. My mother had more children than she could afford. And she did leave the finances to her husband. Unfortunately, he was a man of low character. That's the part of the Kirks' formula this charismatic couple doesn't tell you about.
They don't tell you that a man can tire of his wife. He can tire of domestic responsibilities. If he has absolute freedom, then the fate of the family rests entirely on the strength of his character. Not for a year, or ten years, or twenty years, but for life.
That's quite a gamble, and it's a gamble my mother lost. Not just my mother, but her children.
What does it mean to be poor? To be really, really poor?
For one thing, you don't know where your food is coming from. This means you either go hungry, or you beg. We did both.
Poor means you don't have heat in the winter, that you go to bed cold and wake up cold. It means you don't have potable water. We didn't have that for a full year, when I was a child. We had to draw our water from a backyard well that was not clean. The water had to be boiled before it was consumed.
Poor means never seeing a doctor, no matter how sick you are.
One of my brothers suffered a traumatic brain injury at birth. He was a paraplegic, and had severe cognitive issues. He also had seizures. Many, many seizures. My mother loved him dearly. She held him, and fed him slowly with mashed food. She sang to him. He was the center of our lives. And she had five other children--certainly more than she could afford.
My brother never saw a doctor in all the years I lived with him. And he did not thrive. He did not have medication for his seizures, nor did he have physical therapy. Whatever residual function he might have retained after the brain injury, that function was taken from him by neglect.
What was my father doing, this man who had full financial responsibility?
My father was a lawyer, very clever by all accounts. He lived most of the time somewhere else, I'm not sure where. He would come home when it pleased him. Sometimes he'd be home for a day, or a month. Then he'd go away.
Here is my father, with one of my brothers, c. 1945. Doesn't he look nice? That's how he looked to the world. A cad doesn't have a sign around his neck. A deadbeat father doesn't advertise his actions or intentions. Put your life in the hands of an upstanding person, like my father, and rue the day you made that decision.
The house we lived in was paid for by my grandfather. The six quarts of milk delivered to our door every other day were paid for by my grandfather.
It wasn't just one brother who suffered terribly from lack of medical care--from poverty--there was another. I've written about this brother before in my blog. He became ill, lingered at home for years, became an invalid and then almost died. A hospital even refused to treat him. He did survive but lived away from us for years.
https://www.youtube.com/shorts/2sxgmyaEp1I
The arrogance, the cruelty of the Kirks telling women that they should run the gamble of living my mother's life, of sentencing their children to my childhood.
My invalid brother, the one with traumatic brain injury, ended up living most of his life in a nursing home. The rest of us, the remaining five, are very much individuals, but we have one common commitment: we will never be poor again.
I love my husband, but I will not trust my economic well being to his decisions or his care.
As for having more children than you can afford: that's what my mother did. She was a devout Catholic, and that's exactly the command of the Church. Marry, have children and stay with your husband. That's what a monsignor told my mother when she explained what was happening at home. She wanted to leave, to make a life for herself and her children. The monsignor told her she must remain true to her vows.
Think of all the suffering that followed from that advice, from that cruel, ideological indifference to reality.
If you have more children than you can afford, what does that mean to the children? How do they eat? How do they get clothes?
We were lucky. We had relatives who refused to let us starve and who gave us hand-me-downs to wear. We had a grandfather who put a roof--old and with crude provisions--but still a roof, over our heads. What of those children who don't have relatives with means, or relatives who care? How do the children live?
You can imagine the fury I feel when I hear the statements: Have more children than you can afford and Leave the finances to your husband. There they sit, the Kirks, attractive, healthy, well off. They spout these prescriptions for life as though they can guarantee women the same outcome.
All will be well. See us? We're perfect. This is the life you can have.
What a slick marketing package. Deceptive marketing. There is little chance having more children than you can afford will end well. Not for the kids. Sometimes people get lucky and things work out. Sometimes careers move forward, husbands and wives are loyal, and the money comes, enough to provide.
That's the wish, that's the gamble, that's the fairy tale.
I say to you, don't have children if you can't afford them. Even if you enjoy being poor, it's not right to sentence your children to that life.
When my mother finally broke the bond that held her, when she finally left with the children she had remaining, my father was furious. He didn't understand why we left. What was wrong? Everything was working fine for him. He would go out, do what he wanted to do, have his girlfriends, and come home to see his children when the mood struck him.
Maybe my father was more egregiously bad than most men. Maybe he was more egregiously irresponsible. But why should women roll the dice and hope they don't get a bad egg like that? There is so much on the line, not just their futures but their children's futures.
My mother did everything herself, except chop wood. My brother did that.
My mother heated the house with wood in the cast iron stove (right side of the picture). She washed our clothes by hand...no hot water. She hung them outside on the line, summer and winter. She mended the clothes. She even made them from scratch when we had a special occasion. She cooked our meals on the stove you see at the right. She ironed everything, including sheets. No electric iron. She would be up before us in the morning and go to bed long after us at night. I don't think I ever saw her sleep when I was a child--unless she was sick.
We had a big dog, a nice dog. My father found him at a restaurant and brought him home one day. What did my father think that dog would eat? If we had potatoes my mother gave him potato peels. Otherwise, he wandered around the community and rummaged for food.
We cannot know what a man will be in ten years, or twenty years. We cannot know how life will change him. I say to women, take care of yourself and your children. Insure your security as much as possible. Please keep an eye on finances and protect your interest. By all means, only have children when you can afford them.
When I was growing up, the custom here in Ireland, at least in working class households , was the husband would hand his unopened pay packet to his wife on Friday evening. She controlled the household budget and would give him back a small amount of beer money for the week. Many had huge families due to the Catholic Church's ban on contraception. My father however would get little brown envelopes in the post from England, so our family stayed small. Just as well considering my mother was an alcoholic.
You make me think of my mother-in-law. My husbands parents came over from Ireland in the 30s. There is no question--that woman ran the house. There was definite division of labor in that family: she was in charge :) Strong. You could depend on her in a pinch, always.
Why brown envelopes from England?
Condoms. Banned in Ireland. and imported from England in unmarked brown envelopes.
😂
Ah! I had the same question. Wow. Well, they are banned anymore, right? Okay, I went and looked it up. The ban was lifted in '85. Whew!
When I was in college in 1980, every morning the Students' Union would set up a stall selling condoms. By lunchtime, the campus authorities would have shut it down only for it to reappear the following morning. It became a daily ritual.
Even after the ban was relaxed in 1985, condoms could only be bought by over-18s in chemist shops. They weren't on display either; you had to pluck up the courage to ask for them.
Crazy times!
Dear @agmoore !
Madame!
I assumed that you became a feminist because of your anger and disappointment with your father!
My mother is the same age as you!
By the way, My father was poor, but he was a good man!
So, Although my father's poverty disappointed me, I still remember him as a good person! He is 83 years old now!
I hope my awkward English doesn't offend you!
I hope your health and long life! Mom!😄
I am a student of languages, so I respect your quite competent use of English.
As for being a feminist: to me that simply means have equal opportunity. I ask no notice of my gender. Just give me a chance, an equal chance to succeed and to engage in society. That's it. I don't know what others mean by feminism. I just want my fair shot.
My father wasn't a disappointment. He was a disaster :)) He didn't just neglect his family and cause great harm. He was a violent bully. That part of his character I didn't address here. He maintained his authority through physical, emotional and financial coercion. What he taught me, through his actions, was that we are all responsible for ourselves and we must never give away the ability to take care of ourselves.
I am very, very happy that you have a good father. I had good uncles, and good grandfathers. Some men are very good. And some are very bad.
I appreciate your feedback.
I think there's a really strong reason I feel so connected to you, @agmoore. We not only have similar views, but we both had very challenging childhoods and lived on little means. But after reading this post, I have to say it makes me count my blessings, and my heart truly goes out to you and your siblings and mother. My father was a very good man. But he was the sole bread winner for a family of 7 and we lived very close to the edge on a teacher's salary. My mother was also a good person, but she was the domineering parent in my family, and we were all cowed by her — my dad included. Religion was the other ruler of the household. We were all mystified as to why our parents had five children when they couldn't afford it. It was part of the teaching of the Catholic church and they were devout Catholics. (Shrug! I guess that's it. When you're part of a social construct or cult, you do as you're told.)
Anyway, we grew up pinching pennies. I wore only hand-me-downs. I remember the one new outfit I received in kindergarten. My parents grew food, harvested fruits and vegetables at U-pick farms, canned and froze food to live on for the winter, and bought all of our bread from the bread outlet. They took a bizarre pride in barely making it and had a disdain for those with money. I remember those times when I found a dime in the couch cushions and felt like I had struck gold. I remember being too embarrassed to invite people to our house because it was patched together and never clean. Like you I grew up determined to do for myself, to have financial means and to never sign over ownership of my wellbeing — financially or otherwise — to another human being. (And then I still fell under a man's spell and ended up in a soul-crushing relationship for a while. I do understand first-hand how and why it happens.)
What happened to Charlie Kirk was horrible and inexcusable, regardless of who he was as a person. I wasn't even aware of his existence until his death. But I have since been appalled by his beliefs and his teachings (and also by how his widow has capitalized on it). I don't understand why anyone in this day and age, let alone a woman, would think it makes sense for men to have all the authority, as well as dominion over their spouses, homes, and family finances. These precepts seem sick and dysfunctional in the most extreme sense. They serve no good.
I never realized how close to the edge you lived.
OMG...this is a scene from my life :) Amazing. All across the world there are probably kids living out the same scenario. Although, you'd never find a coin in my mother's couch cushions. She watched every penny, but once we were stuck in my father's car. I don't know where he was, but we sat and sat. We were hungry, so we searched around the car seats to see if any coins had fallen out of his pants.
I don't know if that ever leaves you. Maybe mine lingers because I have such difficulty socializing, but I cringe when the doorbell rings. When anyone comes in, and looks around, I feel it's a violation. Nothing wrong with my house now, I just don't feel comfortable having people cross that threshold.
This was not the case with my family. We were surrounded by successful relatives. We were lucky, because they helped us, especially when we escaped. But it was hard being a 'poor relation'.
In the end, I think the good character of your parents (flawed but good people) and of my mother 'saved' us. We took the best parts of what we experienced and used it to become productive adults.
Yes, I do feel a connection to you. I feel it especially when you show empathy for others.
Thank you very much for sharing that background with me. It's good to be reminded that the world is full of children who have uphill battles.
My wife actually prefers that I handle the finances. It drives her aunts crazy. I don't really care either way and I always try to keep her involved and let her know what is happening. If anything, it makes me pay more attention because I don't want to let her down. We recently set up a trust, so she is pretty protected anyway, and I don't plan on going anywhere, but it is interesting how some people are happy just knowing when they can and can't spend money. She always loves it when I declare a spending freeze! :)
That's the point. My husband handles the checkbook because when I tried a made a mess of it. But we both know where the money is and we are both beneficiaries on our retirement accounts. Everything is jointly owned. That makes us both safe.
Yes! And I'm sure if you are making a big move, you will ask her...like, I'm buying a house, or I'm buying a car, or I'm investing our retirement savings in the stock market instead of bonds (an example).
Still, we never made a significant financial decision in this house that was individually decided. We always agreed and always both had an equal stake.
I wouldn't be able to turn my finances over to any one. I think you can appreciate why, given what I just wrote in this blog :)
Yes, I can definitely understand your position. We decided a while ago that anything under $50 we could pull the trigger without checking first. Now that we are more financially stable we have become a little more lax with that, but nothing major happens without the other knowing.
I connected with this on so many different levels though the details are different but it shaped me with a mindset that "we will never be poor again". Somewhere along the way, my adoptive parents went bankrupt and we had the most terrible lives. It was like a free dive into the unknown and even right now, I am paying the price of it.
In another part of my life, one of my brothers is in that situation, he has children more than he can afford. He knows that he's still struggling but continuously making babies hoping our mother would pay for it. He lives off teacher's paycheck which is relatively small over here. He's somewhat deadbeat too, like I don't get it when he has master degree but doesn't put it to a good use. Instead, he relies on our mother for almost everything. My mother is old enough that I don't think in 10 years she'll continue to work, so what then afterwards? He's probably going to sell-off all the inheritance and his children will grow up in poverty.
From my experiences, I learned that I don't think a man should solely manage the finances. This is why I want to help women to be more aware about various investments instruments that aren't only gold/silvers. Typically wives where I am from, they collect gold and hoard it. But there are many ways these days to grow the money even from home.
Hanging out with socialites wives taught me one thing, they have their ways too in order to secure their money. For them, bags are investment, they own some vested stocks in real companies like banking/mining industry. They also invest in businesses and trade currencies. If a woman is financially educated, she can be a steward of the money and even grows that through different ways that can be done from home. For all I know too, some of those wives despite the appearances, they can be very vulnerable as their husbands could leave them for someone younger. And they know not to leave the finances fully to their husband.
It is upsetting to read about your brother's children. It is the children who will bear the legacy of his irresponsibility.
We don't have a lot of pictures of us as children, because we didn't have a camera. However, in every picture we have, my older sister looks angry, or about to cry. She told me years later she used to wonder why someone didn't do something about the chaos. Today she is a kind, but very angry person. Religion is her refuge and her guide, but she takes from that only the harsh, punitive messages. She stands in judgement of so many people.
You have mentioned in previous blogs that you were handling financial difficulties you were trying to dig your way out of. I hesitated to share this blog, to post that horrible picture of my kitchen. It's embarrassing. But I don't think those of us who were children in difficult circumstances need to be embarrassed. It's good for us to be open. Secrets are heavy things to carry. If you read jayna's comment above you will see that she also is open about financial difficulties from her childhood.
I think when we tell our stories we shed the burden of the secrets. It's taking a risk. I feel I have taken a risk by being so open about my past, but when I read your response and jayna's I feel I've done the right thing.
Thank you very much for sharing with me your experience. It's much appreciated.
!discovery
Thank you, @esther-emmanuel!
People who say that kind of stuff are trash. I hate it when they talk from their privilege instead of taking the perspective of those they talk about. Of course they can pull it off, with everything they have. That goes for Kirk as well as priests (what do they know about marriage?) and politicians and everyone who wants to decide for others, convince others, but conquer them, impose his view of the world on them, without even thinking about stepping into their shoes.
I was incredibly lucky that way, having a quite progressive mother who ran the business. My father was her employee, officially, though they took most decisions together - it was just better for taxes and retirement pension. My father is still lucky that she always took care of those things.
I didn't know poverty until I came to Ecuador. It took a while to be invited to the most simple homes, as you say, many were shy about that. What I always loved most was the generosity that I met there. If there's an avocado tree around the corner, they bring you some. If they pick blackberries, they bring you some. I did, too, in a little bigger scale as my means were much more than theirs, yet nothing to write home about, either. But that's how it works for us.
I lived in two relationships with my partner depending on me. I couldn't. I have no problem with a chipping in with what I can, everyone by their means. But there has to be some kind of balance, and there wasn't. That's one of the reasons why I get along so well with Ellie - she's quite independent.
Thank you for this post!
It takes trust to let people in, to let them see what you are not proud of. You must have been a good friend to them.
For me, the issue between individuals needs to be worked out always with children in mind. We are free agents, until we have children. Then we have a responsibility that is larger than ourselves. Those lives are in our hands. It's an amazing thought...we have so much control and we don't realize it, as parents. Helping to mold people. For some 18 years that is our job.
I think, as a father, you realize this. That's something my father did not understand. You don't have to be a perfect parent, just try to be perfect :))
Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate it.
Oh my, yes, that realization hit me like a freight train and it took me a while to get down from the "me" to the "us". Actually an interesting view on it, given my current situation, and a clue on why the mother is acting as she is. I'll have to think about this relation.
Anyway, for me it has been quite the journey to pivot around. I was always quite socially oriented, but never as much as to share my whole identity with another being. It's also part of my current relationship is working so well I think. Another interesting thought. I might just write a post exploring these two sides of the idea... :-D
I do hope your life is a lot better now. It does seem like it, that you learned a lot from all that bad happen, and that you won't repeat it.
I had a great mother. She gave me tools to survive, and to try to also be a good mother. I have been married to the same man for 53 years, and we love each other. I'm close to both my children, and I can pay my bills. What more do I want :))
I'm glad things are working out for you.
To be fair, he also said "if you are marrying a man that cannot handle the finances then you should not marry that man". Whatever way that sort of thing is handled has to be agreed to up front or there will be nothing but problems in the marriage. When i was a kid, it was my Mom who handled the money.
Having kids is a tricky thing. Arguably, most people dont have enough money for kids early in their life when it is the ideal time to have kids (or at least ot feels that way). Yet if you wait too long then you lose the opportunity. On the other hand, you certainly dont want to have kids when they would literally be starving.
My father was a lawyer. He was smart. People liked him. They hired him and trusted him. He certainly seemed to be someone who could handle the finances. Nobody has a crystal ball. Nobody knows what someone will be in five years, ten years, twenty years. That's quite a gamble, that a man will be dependable, will not falter.
If a woman wants to take that, fine. One life ruined. Don't gamble with the children.
What is an agreement worth? Even if intentions are sincere, people change. Life is hard. Imagining supporting six children is one thing. Actually going to work every day, sacrificing your good time, all your money for the care of those children. That's another thing. Some men have it in them. My mother had it in her. My father did not. He liked his wine. He liked his women. His liked his freedom. An agreement means nothing to a person with weak character. There is no way to tell if a person's character will hold up over time.
I say to woman, protect yourself. Protect your children. Don't believe promises.
I'm sorry your family had to struggle that much when you were growing up. I can't even imagine how tough that would be. I agree with your assessment of influencers—who often live in a bubble of wealth and privilege—trying to convince others to take huge risks like bringing life into the world without having the means to take care of it. Even those who grow up poor sometimes seem to forget what poverty is really like once they find a way to escape it. Also, just because they found success did doesn't mean everyone is capable of turning their lives around to that degree.
My Dad grew up in the kind of poverty you did. But we were what would be considered lower middle class growing up—my Dad was always there and he provided us with the basic necessities (and sometimes a little more). Still there's a certain mindset you have to find a way to grow out of. It's a mindset of "not being good enough" or "not belonging" that has to be overcome. People born into wealth and privilege don't have that barrier and can't understand what an advantage that is in life. It's difficult to think about anything other than your basic needs when satisfying those needs aren't a given. When I first found success I felt totally out of my element in certain situations. It took a long, long while to build that confidence. Sometimes I still have nightmares of losing everything and having to start from scratch again.
We're watching Call The Midwife now on Netflix and, although it's fiction much of it is closely based on facts. The poverty on the east end of London was horrendous from the Industrial Revolution all the way to the late 1950's. It really got me thinking about all this.
It's a kind of perverse gift, this sense of insecurity. I makes me ferocious in protecting what I have, including my children and it also gives me a profound empathy. I see that in each of my siblings. Maybe it's because of my mother, who always found the time and resources to help someone else. But I also think it's because we know what it's like to not belong, as you say. To be the outsider.
Thank you for sharing your father's past, and yours. I was surprised when I grew up and became middle class that so many people had histories of challenge, like mine. Life is hard.
I'll have to catch, Call the Midwife. Most of us forget how recent abysmal and widespread poverty was. Industrial Revolution was a time of change when a few people became very wealthy and vast numbers of people had nothing. We are facing another period of profound social/economic change and I think the fear is that we may be faced with a like stage of stark and cruel inequity.
You're welcome! It really is in some ways, isn't it? It's made me very careful with my nest egg. I don't take as many risks now as I did when I was building my career. It's funny you say that about empathy because I always amazed me how generous my Dad and most of his relatives were. Dad was always the one to pull over and help someone change a blown out tire or push their car if they stalled in traffic. I experienced this time and time again throughout my life and my travels—usually the poorest people are the most generous. We've really enjoyed Call The Midwife throughout the last ten or so months. I'll really miss it when it's done. Apparently they're working on a prequel now set in WW2 era London. Thanks for this post!